Wednesday, June 30, 2004

oh the week I've had

Oh Children it has simply been too long, but I just have simply been too busy. It’s amazing the past week I had that last Sunday I just had to sit down and drown my sorrows away in brandy and Jane Austen novels. But now I feel I have gathered my shattered nerves together enough to get back to you all. Well let me tell you the story of my past week. It all started when Jeremy was up fixing that bloody hole in the ceiling I told you all about earlier. And of course Mr.BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison was up there pestering him like he always is. You know, doing cute little kitty stuff like batting at the electric saw and making a mess of the fast drying glue. Well while up there it seems that adorable little kitten of mine ate something he shouldn’t have and simply made a mess all over the kitten rug, twice! Oh my I was so worried. After the second vomit, which contained more blood then usual, I was all a fluster and simply insisted upon sending the kitten off to the vet. Jeremy, of course, was against the whole thing on account of him praying for the death of the cat and all, but I simply insisted upon it. No matter what anyone tells you, it is us women that wear the pants in the family, my usually have gun holster. Well I hoped in the van with Mr.BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison stored away in one of those adorable little cages and I headed off towards the vet. First of all let me say that I have never had a child, nor can I thanks to some shrapnel permanently lodged in my uterus, and because of this I had obtained a sort of motherly bond to my kitten, and seeing it all sick as it was I was simply distort in the head and, I’ll admit, a little drunk; and this is why I accidentally hit the old man.
Now I don’t know how many of you out there have hit the elderly with an automobile before but it’s bad form to just leave the man there squirming in his own piss and blood, so I decided I would take him with me to the vet and then afterwards I would rush him to the hospital (making sure not to hit anyone else on my way). However the problem was I just didn’t have any room in my van. My kitty was strapped into the front seat and the back seats where covered in suitcases filled with cocaine that was to deliver the following Thursday. And the drunk had Jeremy’s golf clubs, and I knew if I got any blood on those there would be hell to pay. So I pulled out some bungee cords and strapped the old man to the roof of the car. This turned out not to work as well as I thought and he just kept falling off, right in the middle of traffic. It was so embarrassing.
The whole trip took me a good forty-five minutes and they ended up having to pump my kitty’s stomach. The old man died upon arrival at the hospital which is a real shame because I usually get them there a good fifteen/thirty minutes before they die, but it was just one of those days.
And would you believe the luck, it turns out the old man I hit was actually the grandfather of a student of mine; what a small world. Well he was simply irate about the whole car thing and was quite determined to avenge his grandfather’s death. That is why I think he slipped something into my coffee during Thursday’s class. Well at any rate my self-trained method of fighting toxins failed me miserably later on in the day and I passed out in the middle of the cocaine delivery I was doing that night, something you never want to happen.
I woke up what I’m pretty sure was the next day, naked in the Nevada desert. Oh my goodness children I had quite a walk that day. Luckily I had a friend I used to hunt Panda bears with back in sixth grade who now owned a casino. An absolutely delightful fellow called Johnny “Weiner” Smith. A name I heard he earned back in his freelance days when he used to collect the genitals of men caught fooling around on their wives. Oh Johnny Weiner, why he used to be able to cook the perfect marshmallow on our impromptu China wilderness campfires. You know the kind that are golden brown all around, perfect. Well he was more than happy to arrange a flight for me back to England on account of me saving his life so many times, and I made it back there last Saturday night.
And wouldn’t you know it, by the time I got back Jeremy still hadn’t finished that ceiling! Oh the lazy boy. But I couldn’t be mad at him, because when I returned he had passed out in a pile of beer cans and little Mr.BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison was sleeping all curled up under his chin. It was an absolutely adorable sight, I wish I had gotten a picture. I was so glad to see that the two were finally getting along that all the week’s frustrations melted away. So I boiled some tea and watched some of my Opera tapes for the rest of the night.
You know things can’t really be all bad if a man like Jeremy can cuddle up with a kitten like Mr.BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison.
OH but I’ve just gone on haven’t I, how has your week?

Monday, June 21, 2004

The dangers of the Ladder

Well children I have been having quite the weekend let me tell you what. Remember my birthday party, well Mrs. McSanders got all the kids in my kindergarten class to fingerpaint me these adorable pictures and I've just been pinning them up all over the place. So what I'm trying to say is that I've spent most of my time on a ladder all weekend. Well ladders are very dangerous children and let me tell you why...Well Mr.BumpkinClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison (that's my my new kitten) and Jeremy simply haven't been getting along. Jeremy would sit down to read his War and Peace or some dirty magazine he keeps in the couch cusiune and Mr.BumpkinClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison would just come full blast across the room and head butt him in his spectacles, right there on the back of the couch. It's simply hilarious to watch and Jeremy gets all irrate and starts throwing his book or magazine around and our living room gets simply littered with pictures of naked women, and then company comes over and I have to quickly scoop it all up to protect Jeremy's dirty little secret. It is really very flustering. WEll finally, last Sunday, Jeremy had just plain had enough. He sat down and began to thumb through one of his penthouses keeping a tracking eye on Mr.BumpkinClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison, and as soon as that kitten took a charge for his head Jeremy whipped out this metal bat he had stashed earlier behind his smoking chair and took a mighty swing at the charging kitten. It was all hell from there. It seems Mr.Baseball town champion didn't secure a full grip on the bat before he swung it and rather than hitting the cat it flew threw the air straight for the ladder I was standing on at the time. Well being the quick that I have been trained to be (I can kill on a dime) I grabbed the edge of the weightbearing post I was pinning paintings and launched myself, feet first mind you, off the chair and through I poorly contstucted ceiling (the same move can be used near fire escapes while dogging chargin cars in a narrow alley). I ended up in the sewing room. Needless to say we all got a good laugh out of it.
I spent the rest of the day moving all my sewing equiptment down to the old animal labratory below the house so Jeremy could repair the hole in his spare time. After which I finished pinning up all the pictures, they really are simply magnificent, children can draw the strangest things.

Thursday, June 17, 2004


Well Children you are just not going to beleive your little eyes when I tell you about last night. Well remember that bank heist that was going to take place, the one old Willy was telling me about, well he finally convinced me that it would be a blast to do and I decided to go along with it. So last night after I finished grading my class assigned drawings of your favorite animals (so many children just love giraffes) I headed down to the old shady run down tole booth on Sycamore street to meet up with Jimmy McBeans and Legs (there were going to redirect me to a more suitable area where I was to meet my new partners in crime), well I went and imagine my surprise when I entered the tolebooth and the lights popped on and everybody shouted surprise, I couldn't beleive it, they had thrown me a surprise birthday party. Now this is an especially big suprise despite my expectations of a bank robbery because my birthday wasn't even yesterday, in fact it's not until September. But, as Jeremy explained to me (Jeremy's my husband) I'll be gone climbing K2 for that month and they wouldn't be able to celebrate it. So they decided to do it then, you know, as a real surprise. Imagine my shock, why I was so suprised I took out a few of my birthday guests with my hand gun on accident (only the knee caps, it subdues them but allows you to get some answers), and aside from that the ambulance driver only visited the party one more time, and that was to wish me a happy birthday (Bill and I are very close, why if I had a nickle for everytime I dragged a bloody limb to his door in the middle of the night I could live a rich woman). We had chocolate cake, my favorite, opened gifts, chatted and played an adorable game of Russian roulette, it was a simply splendid party. I've never had a better birthday. And woulnd't you know it, old Miss Hickither down the street got me a brand new baby kitten, he's simply adorable, I don't know what to name him though. What do you think?

Now to answer the comments of my dear Seraphim, I am terribly sorry but I'm not familiar with the Mining mong you spoke of, but mind you not British, I was born in Lincoln Nebraska and only just moved to Britain two years ago, it's simply splendid here, and the snow is gorgeous (though we just get mostly rain). Medicine is amazing, it must be very difficult, but it sounds interesting. Is college fun? I never got a chance to go to college, you know, complicated reasons. As for Thomas (Teyler) yes I know him and yes we have hit a rough spot in our relationship, but I'm quite certain that with a little work we can get over it. Ta-ta for now.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Willy McSanders

Well Children I went down to the docks the other day, due to some internal urge to breath in the fresh sea air, and had a chat with Willy McSanders. Willy McSanders, for those of you whom are not familiar with the wonderous man, is an ex-navial seal discharged (dishonorably, but we won't go over that unpleasantness) who now works as a professional fisherman. We quite often go on splendid adventures where everybody dies amidst a ridiculously gruesome sword fight. Willy is very skilled with a sword, but I don't know where her learned it. Well I went down and had a nice littel chat with Willy, you know to keep up. His wife, it seems, will be starting an adorable little quilt circle with all the football mothers and she was wondering if I would like to join (I also teach their little son Timothy, who is just a whizbanger with the ABC's, why he can even say them backwards!). Also he told me that the word on the street is a major bank heist is planning on going down and they were looking for an explosives expert, and naturally they wanted me (I don't mean to brag but the only thing meaner than my home made peach cobbler is my home made plastic explosives). I was thinking it might be a jolly good larf, but I don't know if I'm up to it. After all my left leg hasn't been the same after getting shot in the Egyptian desert last year, nasty wound it was. But then again I've always been up for an adventure. What do you think?

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Those little woopsies

Now children you know, or maybe you don't depending on if you are still in your teen years or not because the teenage years are always filled with romantic fantasies and backseat nights, that life is just simply full of little whoopsies; they are everywhere. And what's more important to remember is that we all have done, at one time or another, and will do them again, over and over again until we die. It's very true and you'll just have to trust me on this because I'm older and I'm a kindergarten teacher. So just because somebody may or may not have left some young, let's say sixteen, year old child waiting for them at the alter doesn't mean that particular someone is a bad person. It's just that sometimes there are things that everyone else just can't understand, secret things. Sometimes that particular somebody my thing little boys are all the rage and then the next minute that someone may be chasing down a topless thirty-year old bikerchick in the Nevada desert; but that doesn't mean they're a bad person. It's just one of lifes little woopsies, you know, we all make them. Just remember that.

A minimized introduction due to the lack of there being one on the site

Introduction:Good morning Children my name is Martha Entirely, I am a kindergarten teacher from Liverpool England and I am twenty-two years of age. I think these little internet things are simply darling and I just had to do one. I've wanted to for quite some time now, but I simply haven't had the time, what with the delieghtful little Kindergarteners.
Hobbies:Hmmm, I've never really thought of myself as a hobby person, more as one of those action adventure types where chaos and espionage just sort of falls into their laps. You know, the kind they make movies about. Why just last weekend I helped a forlorn fisherman reunite with her ex-girlfriend slash meremaid while recovering the famed jeweled seahorse of Atlantis. This sort of stuff happens to me all the time. Oh, and I also enjoy sewing.
Music: Oh I simply endulge in the classics, you know, the Sinatra`s and the Fitzgeralds. Sometimes I like to pour a bottle of scotch and get lost in my Iron Butterfly album. You know, the classics.
Books: Why I simply find 'Return of the Native' by Thomas Hardy absolutely dazzelling! It's so mystic and romantic and I would totally jump Wildeve's bone in a heartbeat. Jane Austen is fairly entertaining too.

Well now you know all about me, but I know nothing about you, isn't it a shame. You simply must leave me comments that we can all become a wonderous and gorgeous family. Oh, I really am looking forward to it, really.