Wednesday, June 30, 2004

oh the week I've had

Oh Children it has simply been too long, but I just have simply been too busy. It’s amazing the past week I had that last Sunday I just had to sit down and drown my sorrows away in brandy and Jane Austen novels. But now I feel I have gathered my shattered nerves together enough to get back to you all. Well let me tell you the story of my past week. It all started when Jeremy was up fixing that bloody hole in the ceiling I told you all about earlier. And of course Mr.BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison was up there pestering him like he always is. You know, doing cute little kitty stuff like batting at the electric saw and making a mess of the fast drying glue. Well while up there it seems that adorable little kitten of mine ate something he shouldn’t have and simply made a mess all over the kitten rug, twice! Oh my I was so worried. After the second vomit, which contained more blood then usual, I was all a fluster and simply insisted upon sending the kitten off to the vet. Jeremy, of course, was against the whole thing on account of him praying for the death of the cat and all, but I simply insisted upon it. No matter what anyone tells you, it is us women that wear the pants in the family, my usually have gun holster. Well I hoped in the van with Mr.BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison stored away in one of those adorable little cages and I headed off towards the vet. First of all let me say that I have never had a child, nor can I thanks to some shrapnel permanently lodged in my uterus, and because of this I had obtained a sort of motherly bond to my kitten, and seeing it all sick as it was I was simply distort in the head and, I’ll admit, a little drunk; and this is why I accidentally hit the old man.
Now I don’t know how many of you out there have hit the elderly with an automobile before but it’s bad form to just leave the man there squirming in his own piss and blood, so I decided I would take him with me to the vet and then afterwards I would rush him to the hospital (making sure not to hit anyone else on my way). However the problem was I just didn’t have any room in my van. My kitty was strapped into the front seat and the back seats where covered in suitcases filled with cocaine that was to deliver the following Thursday. And the drunk had Jeremy’s golf clubs, and I knew if I got any blood on those there would be hell to pay. So I pulled out some bungee cords and strapped the old man to the roof of the car. This turned out not to work as well as I thought and he just kept falling off, right in the middle of traffic. It was so embarrassing.
The whole trip took me a good forty-five minutes and they ended up having to pump my kitty’s stomach. The old man died upon arrival at the hospital which is a real shame because I usually get them there a good fifteen/thirty minutes before they die, but it was just one of those days.
And would you believe the luck, it turns out the old man I hit was actually the grandfather of a student of mine; what a small world. Well he was simply irate about the whole car thing and was quite determined to avenge his grandfather’s death. That is why I think he slipped something into my coffee during Thursday’s class. Well at any rate my self-trained method of fighting toxins failed me miserably later on in the day and I passed out in the middle of the cocaine delivery I was doing that night, something you never want to happen.
I woke up what I’m pretty sure was the next day, naked in the Nevada desert. Oh my goodness children I had quite a walk that day. Luckily I had a friend I used to hunt Panda bears with back in sixth grade who now owned a casino. An absolutely delightful fellow called Johnny “Weiner” Smith. A name I heard he earned back in his freelance days when he used to collect the genitals of men caught fooling around on their wives. Oh Johnny Weiner, why he used to be able to cook the perfect marshmallow on our impromptu China wilderness campfires. You know the kind that are golden brown all around, perfect. Well he was more than happy to arrange a flight for me back to England on account of me saving his life so many times, and I made it back there last Saturday night.
And wouldn’t you know it, by the time I got back Jeremy still hadn’t finished that ceiling! Oh the lazy boy. But I couldn’t be mad at him, because when I returned he had passed out in a pile of beer cans and little Mr.BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison was sleeping all curled up under his chin. It was an absolutely adorable sight, I wish I had gotten a picture. I was so glad to see that the two were finally getting along that all the week’s frustrations melted away. So I boiled some tea and watched some of my Opera tapes for the rest of the night.
You know things can’t really be all bad if a man like Jeremy can cuddle up with a kitten like Mr.BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison.
OH but I’ve just gone on haven’t I, how has your week?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

youre fucking insane

June 30, 2004 at 6:54 AM  
Blogger astrocoz said...

Your stories are too funny, I am starting to turn into a regular reader. So, I figured, my friends need some entertainment, your blog would be so much fun for them to read, so I linked you on my blog. You should post a pic of Mr. BumpkinsClockworksOrangeGeorgeHarrison, he sounds just as troublesome as my kitty, King Tutt. And don't worry about that poor student's grandfather, he will get over it, children are very resilient that way, heck by the time he reaches his "I'm an angry teenage boy phase," he probably won't even remember.

July 2, 2004 at 10:00 PM  
Blogger Seraphim said...

Please, change his name?!!!!! Everytime I hear the mention of ClockworksOrange, it brings back really vivid, gruesome, and sickening images. I can't help it! I shouldn't have watched that movie!!! Horrid!!! Grrrr.... Call him - Puffy. :P

July 24, 2004 at 1:46 PM  
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